


Would Have

by kaigee



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Friends, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Neglect, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Possibly Unrequited Love, Starvation, could have been nice but I made it sad, tragic ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 23:57:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20882792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaigee/pseuds/kaigee
Summary: In which Loki is hurting, Tony is oblivious, and everything ends in the worst way.





	Would Have

**Author's Note:**

> This one's gonna hurt. Not sure where the idea came from, but it wouldn't leave me and I ended up writing this all in one day. Hope you like it!  
Oh, and I left out one possibly triggering tag because of spoilers. Go to the end note if you want to see what it is.)

Loki was brought to Stark Tower, standing tall and proud and with eyes that flashed. Thor’s hand was clamped down on his shoulder, and it was Thor who broke the news to Tony: that Loki would be staying with him for a long, long time. And then Thor flew away.

“Shit,” Tony said.

()()()

“Stay here,” Tony snapped at him, before closing the door on the cell he had shoved him in. 

Then he made an announcement that was blasted through microphones into every room in the Tower:  _ “I’m calling an emergency meeting in the penthouse. This is a code red.” _

The Avengers assembled less than two minutes later, all filing into Tony’s living room and milling around like lost sheep.

Tony entered with crossed arms and a shrug. “Loki’s here,” he said.

()()()

He was assigned first watch.

_ Of course he was, _ because the Avengers were assholes, and didn’t appreciate the kind of trauma that seeing the guy who threw you out a window can bring up. Besides, wasn’t this  _ his _ tower? Why did he have to have first watch?

They formed a line and glared at him, suddenly making Tony very aware of the fact that he was completely human and very vulnerable without his suit.

“Fine, fine,” he said, when Clint leveled an arrow at him. “I’ll go keep tabs on Thor’s deranged kid brother. Fine.”

He sat sullenly outside of Loki’s cell in one of those uncomfortable folding chairs, and he spent the first twenty minutes trying desperately to find a position that wasn’t so hard on his ass, wondering if he should leave Loki alone for a few seconds and go haul a couch down here.

“Comfortable?” someone asked, in a slimy voice.

It was Loki of course. Tony shot him an irritated glance. “Shut up. You’re a prisoner,” he said.

Loki merely smiled at him. “Very well. Enjoy your ensuing hours of silence, then.” And went back to staring at the wall.

()()()

The next time Tony was sent to stand guard over Loki he brought a couch, and sprawled over it irritably, arms folded. Loki struck up a conversation immediately - or at least attempted to.

“You seem stressed,” he murmured.

It was such a fucking  _ weird _ thing to say, that at first all Tony could do was stare dumbly at him. But he found his voice soon enough, and still managed to snap at him, although it came out slightly hoarse - “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Loki shrugged, and leaned his head back against the wall. His hair was limp, compared to last time, where it had been perfectly slicked back. And when he raised his hand, Tony saw it tremor.

He didn’t mention it, because he didn’t give a damn.

“Only that you  _ do, _ and it is rather disconcerting,” Loki said. “Stressed people tend to be unpredictable. On edge.”

“Well you’ll just have to deal with it, then,” Tony said. “I’m only stressed because I'm here with  _ you.” _

Loki glanced down at the ground. “Very well,” he said. 

The day passed in relative silence. Tony took out his laptop and started fiddling around with plans for a new suit. Loki just sat there. 

But soon it got to be too much. Some  _ idiot _ had decided on twelve-hour shifts, and Tony was going to go insane.

“Fine,” he said, slamming his laptop shut. “Fine! We can - we can  _ talk _ about something.”

Loki smiled snakily and leaned forward. “I was wondering when you would give in,” he said. 

Tony thought that was a really creepy way to say it, but he didn’t comment.

Instead, they made a few stilted, awkward attempts at conversation. Tony asked Loki how he was able to stand all those hours of silence, and Loki shrugged and said that he was used to it - which was a weird answer.

Tony didn’t comment, though.

Then Loki said something like “the good captain is even worse than you. He stands the entire time and glares at me.”

Tony almost laughed, but bit it back immediately because oh  _ hell _ no, he was  _ not _ going to laugh at a supervillain’s jokes. No way, Jose.

“Once I lifted my hand to scratch my head and he fell back into a fighting stance,” Loki said, smiling mischievously.

Tony laughed.

()()()

“That guy,” Tony began, entering the room with his arms already flailing. “Is  _ such _ an ass.”

Because there were four other Avengers in the tower, each with twelve hour shifts of their own, Tony hadn’t seem Loki in two days. 

He had a lot that he wanted to tell him.

“Who?” Loki asked. He was sitting against the wall again. “The captain?”

“Yeah!” Tony cried, and launched into a rant that lasted for ten minutes, which he spent pacing back and forth in front of Loki’s cell. “He looks at me like I’m an  _ idiot, _ and whenever I drink or swear or bring a girl home or  _ anything _ he says some shit like “Do you really think that’s a good idea,  _ Tony?” _ or “Are you  _ sure _ about this, Tony?”

Tony stops, breathing hard.

Loki shrugged sympathetically. “I have been around people like that before. It is never pleasant.”

Which served to remind Tony just who he was talking to, and he was about to mention it, say something like “Why the hell did I tell you this? You’re a crazy fucking supervillain and I shouldn’t even be  _ speaking _ to you,” when he noticed that Loki’s hands were trembling now, and that he seemed paler than before, almost sickly.

“You good?” Tony asked, unsure why he would care.

Loki met his eyes steadily, expressionless. He folded his arms. “As well as I can be,” he said. 

Tony stared at him.

His hair was lifeless _ . _ His cheekbones… well, they stuck out before, obviously - because he had these  _ epic _ cheekbones, but now they looked almost  _ too _ prominent…

No. Tony was overthinking things.

Because he knew that Loki was being fed. He knew because Bruce and Steve had the day shifts, and while they might not like the guy, they would never starve him. They weren’t the kind of people who would do that. And if Loki was sick, Bruce would notice and would help him.

It was probably just a side-effect of being locked up in a cage 24/7.

Tony swallowed.

“Hey,” he said. “Hey, you know, you could come out for a little bit. If you want.”

Because Loki wasn’t a threat anymore. Thor told Tony as much - told him that Loki didn’t have his magic anymore. He was basically a human now, with the same lifespan and weaknesses. He would die in a few decades like everybody else.

Loki blinked. 

Suddenly, he was no longer expressionless. Suddenly, he looked really, really sad.

“I can’t,” he said. “You know I can’t.”

Tony shaked his head. “It’ll be just for a little while. I’ll give you clearance.”

“Why?”

That was a good question. 

Tony shrugged, because he didn’t know how to answer it.

So Loki leaned heavily against the wall and used it to push himself up, slowly, laboriously, from the floor that he had been sitting on for so long. And Tony could tell that it was hard for him, although he wasn’t not sure why it would be. But he could tell that it was.

He almost offered to help him. But didn’t.

And besides, Loki figured it out eventually, and then he was walking across the cell, and then Tony unlocked the door and let him out.

They met each other’s eyes. There was no glass between them. Nothing between them at all.

“Come on,” Tony said. He turned and led Loki to the elevator.

()()()

The other Avengers were already lurking in the living room when they entered.

Clint was the first to stand up, and in a fraction of a second his bow was lifted and an arrow was pointed at Loki’s face. 

“Put it down,” Tony said, arms raised. “Put it down. He’s good. We’re all good.”

Clint lowered it halfway.

“Tony,” Bruce says. His eyes were wide and he seemed on edge. “What are you doing?”

“We’re just - ah -” Tony paused, realizing that any explanation he could give would seem completely ridiculous. “Stretching our legs?” he tried, giving a ridiculous explanation anyway.

They all stared at him.

“Come  _ on, _ Brucie,” Tony said. “It’ll be fine. He doesn’t even have magic.”

Steve sighed. “This is one of your irrational, drunken decisions, isn’t it?”

Tony stiffened, and he caught Loki’s worried glance out of the corner of his eye. “No, I’m not drunk,” he said. 

Steve raised an eyebrow, unimpressed.

“And I’m not being  _ irrational, _ Steve, Jesus!” Tony cried, throwing his arms up. “Come on, let’s just - it’s movie night, isn’t it?”

Loki ended up sitting on Tony’s left side, in the corner. Bruce sat on Tony’s right, Steve sat next to Bruce, and Clint and Nat sat on the loveseat on the other side of the room, doing their own creepy-assassin-romance thing.

The first twenty minutes of the night were spent in relative silence, but slowly the tension ebbed away, and Tony ended up nearly sprawled over Bruce with a drink in his hand, making loud jokes about the movie and making everyone laugh. 

Except for Loki, that is. But Tony didn’t pay him much attention. If he was gonna be such a Negative Nancy about it, then he could spend movie night curled up in the corner shaking like a leaf. Tony didn’t care.

“Put your -  _ mmmgh _ \- put your glasses off your fucking nose, Bruce!” Tony cried, reaching over and flapping at Bruce’s glasses with one hand. “How’m I s’posed to sleep on you with them digging into the side’ve my head?”

Bruce laughed, and Tony fell asleep.

()()()

When he woke up, he was caught off guard by the absolute train wreck of a headache that was pounding away at the inside of his skull.

Shiiiiit.

Bruce was gone, so Tony was slumped inelegantly over the couch, one arm dangling over its edge. He sat up slowly, thankful that the lights were at least off. His gaze lingered for a long time over the empty spot to his left where Loki had been, and then he surveyed the rest of the room.

Bottles on the ground. Taco Bell wrappers. Nat, still curled up in the loveseat.

At least he remembered last night. Remembered the movie, and the jokes, and… the way Loki had sat quietly next to him, looking miserable. Shaking.

Tony wondered if he was all right.

He should probably go find out. Even though it wasn’t his shift. He could just go check on him.

But his head hurt. And Steve was watching Loki, so - while it might be boring - Loki would be fine. It’s not as if Steve would just stand there, watch Loki  _ shake, _ and not do anything about it. If it was really all that bad, Steve would tell Bruce.

Yeah.

So Tony went and made himself a huge breakfast, as quietly as he could lest he wake up Nat, because she would probably skewer him if he did. 

When Steve’s shift ended, Tony went down to Loki’s cell.

There was a bruise on his face. 

It was the first thing Tony noticed.

And Loki seemed quiet. Subdued, even, his eyes on the ground. The shirt that he was wearing practically swamped him, long sleeves draped over his arms. When Tony stepped forward and knocked on the glass, Loki jerked violently, his eyes darting around until they landed on Tony.

_ What the hell? _

“Hey, Reindeer Games,” Tony said, softly. “What happened to your face?”

Loki’s lips parted, and he stared at Tony for a moment. He looked vacant. Blank.

But eventually he answered. “Rogers,” he said. “Of course. I didn’t  _ trip and fall, _ if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Tony gaped at him.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he asked, wincing at the volume of his own raised voice. “How could anything  _ Steve  _ do make you look like you just got… roughed up?” his voice faltered.

Loki’s brows furrowed, as if he was trying to solve a tricky math problem or something. “Do you think I’m an idiot?” he settled on, finally. “I  _ know _ that you know. How could you not?”

Tony glared at him and shoved the door open, but when Loki’s eyes went wide and he sort of huddled away, Tony paused and forced himself to calm down. “Loki,” he said, forcing himself not to shout. “I don’t - I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You  _ do. _ You must.”

“I really don’t.”

“You do! Of course you do. Rogers  _ said _ that you did, he said you just didn’t care - that you were too good to lay a finger on me but didn’t mind if  _ they _ did--”

“Loki!” Tony gave in and shouted, and he didn’t stop shouting, not even when Loki flinched and went quiet. “I  _ don’t know _ what you’re talking about, so it’d be really nice if you just  _ told _ me!”

Loki made a high-pitched sound in the back of his throat - something like a squeak or perhaps a whimper - and pulled his knees up to his chest and his still-shaking hands up to protect his face.

“No, no,  _ no, _ Rudolph, it’s not like that, I--” Tony ran forward and dropped down beside him. He put a hand on Loki’s shoulder.

It was the first time they touched.

“I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m not going to,” Tony said.

Loki pressed his clasped, trembling hands to his forehead. A tremor racked through his whole body. His cheekbones stuck out. He was too thin.

There was a bruise on his cheek.

“Was it only Steve?” Tony asked.

“All of them,” Loki murmured, eyes on the ground. “All of them. Almost every time.”

Tony’s breath caught.

“But you’ve only got the one - the one bruise.”

Loki lifted up his shirt. And he looked at Tony, and watched as Tony stared down at all the bruises, watched as Tony pressed a hand to his mouth.

Loki’s gaze was expressionless.

He pulled his shirt back down.

“The whole time,” Tony said. “You thought I knew about this?”

Loki nodded.

Tony swallowed down a lump in his throat.

“I didn’t,” he said. “I didn’t know.”

“I’m sorry,” Loki said. “I know that they’re your friends.”

And Tony stared at him, appalled by how  _ he _ was apologizing even though he shouldn’t be, even though practically anything would be more reasonable than saying he was  _ sorry. _

“I’ll be right back,” Tony said.

()()()

When he returned, it was with a knife. 

He gave it to Loki.

He knew that this was a bad idea, but he didn’t know what else to do.

“Don’t kill anyone,” he said. “Just--”

This was a bad idea.

Loki took it gingerly, turned it in his hands, tested its weight. “Thank you,” he said. “Thank you.”

“Don’t kill anyone,” Tony said, desperately.

“I won’t.”

Tony let out a deep breath, and let his hand move back to Loki’s shoulder.

“You love them, don’t you?” Loki asked. “Rogers, and Barton, and the rest.”

Tony couldn’t lie. Loki already knew the answer. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I do, but--”

Loki cut him off. “You should be happy,” he said. “You are kind. You shouldn’t have to choose.”

Tony didn’t know how to respond. Didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Didn’t know why Loki was saying this.

Loki lifted Tony’s hand and pressed his lips to it. Tony stared at him.

“Tony,” Loki said, in a whisper. “I don’t want to be here.”

“Well, of course you don’t. Who would want to be locked up in a cage all day?”

From the dizzying depths of the sadness in Loki’s eyes, Tony got a hunch that he might have missed something. But he didn’t know what.

()()()

Loki didn’t use the knife. Tony knew, because if Loki had, he would certainly have heard about it.

So he spent the day trying to come up with a more permanent solution. He could steal Loki away to one of his safe houses. Maybe stay with him there. Or he could try to bring Thor back, try to get him to take Loki back to Asgard.

He decided to kick the other Avengers out of the tower.

So he called another emergency meeting. And because of that, Loki was left alone in the cell, but that would be okay, because Tony would much rather he be left alone than with anyone else, anyone who might take advantage of his weakened state.

He looked at his friends and barely recognized them.

“You’re all leaving,” he said. “Now. And nothing you can say will make me change my mind.”

They argued, of course. Especially Steve, because he was an ass. But Bruce was the worst, because he leaned in close to Tony and put a hand on his forearm and started to say something, but Tony couldn’t stand to look at him, to be touched by him.

He ripped his arm out of Bruce’s grip. “Now! Get the fuck out!”

They left.

()()()

Tony ran to the elevator, feeling like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders - Loki wouldn’t have to be hurt anymore, Loki could finally eat something, Loki’s hands would stop shaking.

He counted the floors as the elevator climbed.  _ 38,39… _ So slow, so slow, so fucking slow.

Maybe Loki would finally smile.  _ Genuinely. _

Tony covered his mouth with his hand again. His friends did this. His  _ friends. _ They abused a helpless prisoner. They abused a guy who wanted nothing more than someone to talk to when he was bored.

When he finally stepped out onto the floor Loki’s cell were on, he started to sprint again. Down to Loki’s room.

He hesitated in front of the door, the words already poised on his tongue.  _ They’re gone. You’re safe. Everything’s going to be all right. _

He opened the door.

The words withered and died.

Because Loki was slumped, unmoving, in the corner of his cell.. 

Because there was blood on the floor. Because there was blood flowing from Loki’s wrists, and a bloodied knife lying beside him on the ground.

“Oh god, oh  _ fuck _ \--” Tony ran to the glass door, fumbled with the damn key, kicked it open, ran to him.

He dropped to his knees and checked for a pulse.

Nothing. Nothing.

“No, no,  _ Rudolph,  _ come on, get up--” Tony said, stupidly, reaching out and shaking Loki by the shoulders. His head lolled back. “Why would you do this?  _ Why _ the hell did you ever think that this was the right thing to do?”

There was a note in Loki’s hand, written on paper from the notebook Tony had given him so he wouldn’t get bored.

_ So you won’t have to choose, _ it said.

Tony shook his head.

“I would have chosen you,” he said, and buried his face in Loki’s still-warm shoulder. “I would have chosen you.”

****  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hope you... enjoyed? Please leave a comment!! :)
> 
> (The tag I left out was for suicide)


End file.
